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1933 I wrote to you regarding my staying here permanently. My aspiration and decision still stand the same. May I hear from you about it ?
Before deciding forever, we can take a period of time and see say till August.
I am thinking of learning French, but will it help me in my sadhana ? Will you kindly suggest what I should do by way of some work or studies?
There is some work in the B.D.Ή if you like, you can ask Khirod telling him how many hours you want to work. There are not much facilities for French just now. The classes have been stopped for a time owing to the illness of the eyes of the teacher. February 1933 March 1933
What shall I do about the scattering of my mind?
The method of gathering of the mind is not an easy one. It is better to watch and separate oneself from the thoughts till one becomes aware of a quiet space within into which they come from outside. March 1, 1933 As soon as I start meditating I lapse into sleep.
The sleep does come like that when one tries to meditate. It has to be dealt with, where that is possible, by turning it into a conscious
Ή Building Department Page - 1 inner and indrawn state and, where not, by remaining in a quietly concentrated wakefulness open (without effort) to receive.
Some days I feel intensely happy after doing pranamΉ seeing your smiling face. On other days, there is calmness, but no joy. I thought it has something to do with your smile. Or does it depend on the state of the psychic being ?
Don't start having that idea. It is quite untrue and those who indulge it raise vital reactions and imaginations in themselves and provoke much unnecessary trouble. It is in yourself that there is the variation, not of the psychic being which is always all right, but of the rest, mind, vital or body. March 4, 1933 Should one write about everything ? Or according to the need of each?
Only those who feel the need, write their experiences or condition daily to the Mother. Even so, they need not write the same things daily, but only what they feel the necessity to write
Is there any difference between doing meditation in a sitting position and doing it while walking? I feel that while walking, it is not possible to get the same amount of concentration as in the other for beginners, at least.
It is as each finds convenient. Some meditate better walking, some sitting.
I suppose meditation while walking is more likely to be a prayer than meditation proper.
Not at all. One can meditate very well when walking.
Do I profit, Mother, by simply looking at you or your photograph ?
Ή Pranam is an act of bowing down before the Guru to receive his blessings. Page - 2 Yes, very many do.
I want to know whether I am pursuing the right line.
Yes. March 10, 1933 I dreamed that I had gone away from the Asram, to my native place. My misery and utter helplessness cannot be described. I think the significance of my dream was that life outside will be a hell for me. I am meant for this life and must stick to what I am called for.
Yes, obviously.
The hostile thoughts which may and do arise in me sometimes, can they not be partly due to my relatives' thought- waves disturbing my poise and equilibrium ?
Yes.
Then how to prevent them ? By constant aspiration and your kind help and blessings?
Yes, and by elimination of old interests and attachments.
I read Galsworthy's book Flowering Wilderness which is a very good one, still it did not help me, for I felt unhappy.
Why should something that belongs to quite another order of consciousness help the sadhana?
Can one be in a serious mood throughout the day?
It is quite possible only it is not a mood, but a quiet and ardent consciousness. March 13, 1933 Page - 3 May I take French lessons from Benjamin ? You can.
I hear there will be musicΉ tomorrow at 4.30 p.m. May I come away at 4 from my work to get a good seat ?
It is at 5 o'clock.
Things have been arranged for that. March 18, 1933 Mother, you forgot to give flowers for B and P
Could I have a mosquito curtain? The one I have is too big for my cot.
At present, Mother has no cloth for mosquito nets. But you can give yours to Kanai for making it of the size of the cot. March 20, 1933 I have read in the Mother's "Conversations" that if one prays to her before going to bed to be conscious in sleep, it helps.
You have to start by concentrating before your sleep, always with a specific will or aspiration. The will or aspiration may take time to reach the subconscient, but if it is sincere, strong and steady, it does reach after a time so that an automatic consciousness and will are
Ή Dilip Kumar Roy and Sahana's musical performances, both of them disciples of the Ashram. Page - 4 established in the sleep itself which will do what is necessary. March 21, 1933 I am having a peculiar experience for the past few days. After pranam I usually go to the reception room and gaze at Sri Aurobindo's portrait for about fifteen minutes. Then I pass a few minutes over the newspapers. When I get up I get dizzy, my head reels and I have at once to sit down. Is it connected with sadhana, and if so what am I to do ?
It seems to be connected not with sadhana but with newspapers. After 15 minutes' concentration to plunge into newspapers may not unnaturally lead to such a result.
Last night I went to hear music and sat beside Nolini. I felt an intense joy, not to be equalled by the joy of music. Is it merely an imagination? No it means there is a vital sympathy. March 26, 1933 Mother, I took your permission to walk about or meditate in the Pranam hall when you play on the organ in the morning. But some days I am late due to miscalculation of time.
Mother never plays before 9.30. March 30, 1933 April 1933
I feel a great longing to express myself in literature but sometimes it gets mixed with a desire to be a great writer. But on the other hand my language is poor, style immature and thoughts meagre.
There should be no "desire" to be a "great" writer. If there is a genuine inspiration or coming of a power to write, then it can be done but to use it as a means of service to the Divine is the proper spirit April 2, 1933 Page - 5 I went to J's place and came back feeling depressed. May I have caught the depression from her or did it come like that without any apparent reason? Both are possible.
I think I have read in "Conversations that depression is contagious and one may get it just like the germs of a disease. Is it true and what might have been the cause in my case? Yes. She must have dropped it upon you (not intentionally of course) and also perhaps your vital forces went to her leaving you for the moment empty.
Since my coming here, I don't think I have ever had a good meditation. It begins in earnestness and ends in sleep with dreams.
kind of dreams? April 6, 1933 It is very difficult to say what kind of dreams they are. They are incomplete, incoherent and indistinct. But I remember one: some chickens were going about with their mother, and some crows appeared, suddenly one of them caught hold of a chicken and flew away. How on earth could such a dream take place and what significance could it have ?
Naturally, these dreams have no value except when they are symbolic; but it counts only as the beginning of an inward going movement. It is probable that you have begun to go inside and first get into touch with a world very near to the physical and are seeing things there.
I quite realise that there should be no craving for anything. But when a cup of tea is offered can it be harmful to our sadhana ? I thought it all depends on the attitude. Page - 6 Yes, but the attitude of craving can be encouraged by taking. If there is the right attitude one can take, but one will not perhaps care to!
I do not quite understand what is meant by "your vital forces went to her leaving you for the moment empty.
There is always an interchange of vital forces going on between people. If you sit near one who is weak and depressed and needs vital force, you may have your forces pulled from you by his or her need and yourself feel depressed or weak or empty. April 7, 1933 Is this vital interchange one of the reasons why many sadhaks segregate themselves ?
Yes. Not the drawing of vital forces alone, but the invasion by the ideas, feelings, atmosphere of others, hampering the sadhana, is one of the chief reasons of the turn towards segregation and solitude.
How to increase the vital resistance by which these indrawings or outgoings can be prevented?
It is partly by being vigilant and having a self-protecting will; partly by a capacity to call in and replenish the forces at any moment that one can best meet the difficulty.
I tried to meditate but I had to simply give it up, and sleep came in and with it what confused dreams!
When you cannot meditate, remain quiet and call in the Mother's Peace or Force. . April 8, 1933 About that "legal action", I do not know exactly what they intend. I suppose they would like very much to have a personal warrant issued and so get me back for some debts.
Pondicherry is a place where people often come as a refuge because there can be no personal warrant for debts against them here. Page - 7 I knew a Parsi from Bombay loaded with debts who was here for three or four years and only went back when his affairs were settled by others in Bombay itself. April 12, 1933 Whenever I receive letters from friends I go into ecstasies, and constantly I'm thinking of what I should write etc. Evidently such an upsetting is not good for our sadhana, is it? But perhaps one can indulge in a little exuberance when friends seem to aspire for a divine life.
It is not likely to be much of an obstacle. But there should be no attachment or depression if it does not happen as you would like. April 13, 1933 When I get up in the morning I find that the previous day's sadhana is forgotten. What should be done to keep up the continuity ?
The gap made by the night and waking with the ordinary consciousness is the case with everybody almost (of course, the "ordinary" consciousness differs according to the progress); but it is no use wanting to be conscious in sleep; you have to get the habit of getting back the thread of the progress as soon as may be and for that there must be some concentration after rising. At night, you have to pass into sleep in the concentration you must be able to concentrate with the eyes closed, lying down and the concentration must deepen into sleep that is to say, sleep must become a concentrated going inside away from the outer waking state. If you find it necessary to sit for a time you may do so, but afterwards lie down, keeping the concentration till this happens. April 14, 1933 I go to the Asram for meditation, about an hour after I rise. Is this not rather late for "getting back the thread of the progress"?
You need not meditate at once but for a few minutes take a Page - 8 concentrated attitude calling the Mother's presence for the day. April 15, 1933 Last night I was trying to concentrate in bed, with the eyes closed. I suddenly woke up and the first thought was that I had been able to concentrate for long, and it did not look like sleep as there was no dazed or queer feeling as one usually has in sudden wakings. I have no experience of what going inside is like. Maybe this is the thing? [Sri Aurobindo underlined the last sentence.]
Yes, only not yet a conscious going inside that has to come.
The rest of the night also passed in a kind of constant remembrance, but in between I had an unhappy dream which I completely forgot. I woke up in the morning feeling spiritless without any apparent reason. Then it struck me that it was perhaps the effect of the dream working beneath the surface.
Its effect yes. But you ought to shake it off at once and not allow it to trouble you. April 16, 1933 By saying that I seem to have become quieter, did you mean that my vital-physical is not so clamorous or is it an inner quiet of the psychic?
Mother meant simply that there was less restlessness of the mind and the vital during the meditation as you yourself felt.
Today at pranam, you did not keep your hand on my head as you usually do. If there is any twist, I will at once set it right.
There was no such significance. April 18, 1933 Here is a letter from J. He asked me to pray for him and to Page - 9 take a flower from you. And he would also like to come here.
You must understand that if we refuse persistently J's demand, we have a good reason for it. I do not understand really what he wants you to do. Flowers are usually given on special occasions and he can have them then.
I find that the concentration before going to bed merges unconsciously into sleep.
These things cannot have their effect in a moment. You must persevere till the physical consciousness is penetrated.
I have marked that if we write to you about some defects. some wrong movements, etc., they are immediately rectified but only for a day or two. Then gradually the old habits, wrong turns of the mind, creep in.
Again, transformation does not happen by a miracle in a day. It must be gained by constant aspiration, patient perseverance and persistence.
Just now I received P 's telegram. I am sure you will give him permission, won't you?
The permission may be given but does he want to stay in the Asram? If so, does he know the ways of life here and that he must conform to them and also about the expenses? Or will he stay outside? For how long is he likely to come? All this should be understood before you answer.
Some days I walk out of the Pranam hall with joy and warmth filling my whole being; on other days the whole being seems calm and quiet. Which is the better condition?
Both are good and there is no harm in their alternating till the joy and peace can combine. April 22, 1933 Page - 10 Last night while I was concentrating tying in bed I entered into a half-wakeful state which made me a little afraid. I tried to fall asleep but the state of concentration would not leave me. At last sleep came. Is this an intermediate stage? Yes. I don't know why you should have any fear! It is a quite usual experience of the concentrated state when one is going inside.
As the meditation deepens, a sense of pressure is felt on the head. I don't suppose it is anything abnormal?
It is on the contrary the most normal thing everybody feels at a certain initial stage
I hear that one can pray for a friend and write to you about him.
Yes; but don't do it for people who have not the turn for Yoga. Each has his own movement his own time in this life or another. April 23, 1933 For some days there is joy and enthusiasm; sadhana goes on well. Then there comes a lapse when there is less joy and meditation needs effort.
These alternations are quite normal. In the low periods one has to remain quiet, assimilate what one has received and aspire for more. April 30, 1933 May 1933
S writes to me that he is suffering from urinary trouble and he refuses to have any treatment except your blessings.
You can send blessings but he ought to use every means to get rid of his illness. It is only if he has a calm mind and a sound body Page - 11 that he can do Yoga. His present state is too disorganised to bear any pressure. May 1. 1933 I read in The Synthesis of Yoga that every act, movement etc. must be done as an offering, even if by a mental effort. This mental discipline is easy in acts of mechanical nature but not so easy in those of concentrative nature where the attention gets divided.
It is because people live in the surface mind and are identified with it. When one lives more inwardly, it is only the surface consciousness that is occupied and one stands behind it in another which is silent and self-offered.
What is meant exactly by "opening oneself ? Calling you, praying to you, remembering you, etc. ?
These are acts of the mind, openness is a state of consciousness which keeps it turned to the Mother, free from other movements, expecting and able to receive what may come from the Divine.
I hear you have some special hours when you work for us?
No, it is not so. May 4, 1933 Mother, today after pranam as I raised my eyes, I could not but mark something different in your look, as if some surprise, some concern, even the suggestion of a reproach, was trying to express itself.
Not at all.
I feel it may be due to one of two reasons. First, I have been having vital thoughts. But when I realised they may be due to yoga, my mind settled down.
[Sri Aurobindo underlined "due to yoga and put a question mark in the margin.] Page - 12 Second, I had to go to the pierΉ with X as she was not feeling well and I came back depressed. The pier itself has a very bad atmosphere nowadays.
For which of the two reasons did you give me that searching look?
For neither. You looked depressed, so Mother looked at you, there was no other search,
I feel much better when alone but sometimes I have to attend to X in her illness or I have to go to market with her. I wish I could do all this with a calm mind. I hope I am clear.
Quite and you are right but I don't see the way out for the moment unless you can separate yourself within and put a guard of calm aloofness around you. May 6, 1933 Mother, one mistaken idea seems to trouble me for some time. I feel that in the evening whenever my eyes catch your look, you suddenly turn it away. I come to see you with some misapprehension lest you do not look at me. I am sure there is no truth in my imagination.
No, there is no truth in it. It is your own idea your apprehension and misapprehension that produce in you the misconception that Mother does not want to look at you! May 7, 1933 Last night I had a funny dream: my sleep suddenly broke off and I heard somebody saying to me, standing near my head, that Sri .Aurobindo has asked him to use my soap and I had the distinct sweet smell of the soap. I was frightened and trembled all over. Any significance?
In itself the dream was absurd and has no significance but it may
Ή The old pier of Pondicherry which is now broken down. Page - 13 be the transcription made by the mind was false and the man standing at the head was a vital force approaching. That alone would explain the fear. But this kind of fear ought to be got over. The sadhak has to be able to face the vital world, in waking or in sleep, with courage, calm and confidence in the protection. May 9, 1933 I hear that many people have been on the point of going away due to the pressure of Yoga.
It is not due to the pressure of Yoga, but to the pressure of something in them that negates the Yoga. If one follows one's psychic being and higher mental will, no amount of pressure of Yoga can produce such results. People talk as if the Yoga had some maleficent force in it which produces these results. It is on the contrary the resistance to Yoga that does it. May 11, 1933 The Mother, in "Conversations, says that the first effect of yoga is to take away the mental control so that the ideas and desires which were so long checked become surprisingly prominent and create difficulties.
They were not prominent because they were getting some satisfaction or at least the vital generally was getting indulged in one way or another. When they are no longer indulged then they become obstreperous. But they are not new forces created by the Yoga they were there all the time. What is meant by the mental control being removed, is that the mental simply kept them in check but could not remove them. So in Yoga the mental has to be replaced by the psychic or spiritual self-control which could do what the mental cannot. Only many sadhaks do not make this exchange in time and withdraw the mental control merely.
I find already that at certain moments this life seems distasteful, dull and dreary.
What is meant by dull and dreary is that the ordinary preoccupations Page - 14 and amusements of the vital are not there. The whole of one's life and action has to be turned into sadhana and then it is not dull.
I hear you do not like the gate-keepers to do any writing, reading, etc., when on duty. Is it true? It was because people were neglecting their duty in the absorption of reading and writing, allowing undesirable people to enter etc. If that does not happen, one can read or write only when one is on duty, the duty comes first. May 12, 1933 Mother, after raising my hopes, you have dashed them to the ground! With much expectation, I waited for a flower from you this morning, but got none. Is it because I hadn't asked for it? I have been upset all day because of it.
It was not at all intentionally that the flower was not given it was due to an oversight committed when Nolini was counting the number of flowers to be distributed. SRI AUROBINDO May 18, 1933 N says you have arranged Budi House for P. I suppose, no nearer house is available.
There is another house less breezy and almost as far. May 21, 1933 Mother, in the pranam your looks vary so much from day to day that one cannot but realise at once that they have a significance. Today, I could make out that you wanted to tell me something but I could not understand what it was. I went over all the incidents of the day no result!
It was only to keep yourself clear from all influences except the Mother's. Page - 15 Can I have tea at Dilip's place, in the morning? Yes.
I hope there won't be any "encouragement of cravings''. Of course, I have not been able to trace any outward bad effects from such occasional indulgence.
If it is occasional and you have no attachment, it is all right.
I am trying, as you asked me, to give Sanjiban, a general idea of the surface of the body to help him in his painting.
Yes, that is it ; especially the proportions and forms and the deformations coming by movement e.g. contraction of muscles in different positions etc. May 24, 1933 Sometimes I think that you are giving me a taste of the cup of bliss in very small drops, and at long intervals, but I do not at all despair.
There is no reason certainly for despair. The bliss always comes in drops at first, or a broken trickle. You have to go on cheerfully and in full confidence, till there is the cascade. May 28, 1933
B writes that one can receive forces even unconsciously. Many people who were once hostile or had no opening to yoga had a sudden change. At the same time I've heard you say that one receives when one opens oneself which is true ?
It is more complex than that. Of course a hostile mind can be changed by a sudden experience, but the experience shows that something in him was open though not on the surface.
How to remember the Mother during work? I have tried to follow a mental rule, without success. Perhaps it is the inner consciousness that remembers while the outer is busy ? Page - 16 One starts by a mental effort afterwards it is an inner consciousness that is formed which need not be always thinking of the Mother because it is always conscious of her. May 31, 1933 June 1933
After these few months of peace and cheerfulness, why now an upsurge of vital thoughts and desires which don't leave me? They are so depressing.
The only thing to do with such depressing thoughts is not to indulge them, to send them away at once. Vital difficulties are the common lot of every human being and of every sadhak they are to be met with a quiet determination and confidence in the Divine Grace. June 16, 1933
Now I realise that my efforts are not everything, they can be more effective by your help and Grace. But should I write to you every time I have a difficulty ?
You can always write. June 17, 1933 During my gate duty visitors enquire sometimes about the nature of food, number of people, etc.
No inner details about the Asram can be given to outsiders there is an express rule against it.
Some people get disappointed when they learn that they cannot see Sri Aurobindo. Shall I suggest to them to write or tell them anything about you?
No, certainly not. They can be shown the photograph in the .Reception Room if they want. There is no necessity to volunteer information about the Mother. June 18, 1933 Page - 17 I took some food at D's. I don't know whether you approve of these indulgences.
It does not matter.
Dr. B wants to take up the gate duty. Shall I part with it ?
Yes, it was his work, so he is entitled to have it back. June 23, 1933 July 1933
Do you think I should allow myself these moods of recreation or occasional enjoyments? I think, there is a little craving for a cup of tea associated with it.
You can if you feel the need. July 4, 1933 R asks me to take some food outside. I am rather tempted. But should I?
You do not expect the Mother to give sanction for these things? Those who take food outside, do it on their own responsibility. July 14, 1933
I find that French grammar is very annoying. Will it not be better to read for the present some easy story books?
If you like. But if you do not learn the grammar, you will never know French well. July 15, 1933 Dilip is giving lessons on rhythm. I intend to learn, but I think there is hardly any poetry in me.
You can learn it it is easy enough to learn. July 23, 1933 Page - 18 I offered to work in Nagin's vegetable garden. Should I try at least?
Yes, you can try. July 28, 1933 [About a personal problem] There is nothing unusual in your feelings towards X. It is the way that vital love usually takes when there is no strong psychic force to correct and uphold it. After the first vital glow is over, the incompatibility of the two egos begins to show itself and there is more and more strain in the relations for one or both the demands of the other become intolerable to the vital part, there is constant irritation and the claim is felt as a burden and a yoke. The other elements of which you speak have nothing to do with this particular relation, they could have existed in a purely mental friendship or psychic relation without any vital demand on either side. Naturally in a life of sadhana there is no room for vital relations they are a stumbling block preventing the wholesale turning of the nature towards the Divine. July 29, 1933 August 1933
Mother did not put her hand on my head during pranam. I hope it was not due to any wrong movement in me ?
No. It was merely because Mother was in trance.
I hear N is going away. It is very surprising and painful to find that one who has been apparently so earnest and sincere in sadhana should have such a sad failure.
What do you mean by "sincere"? If one does Yoga in order to be a great Yogi or in order to satisfy the sex impulse in the vital, that is not sincerity. It is what N started doing. Farther he began to have wrong experiences and when he was told so, instead of putting himself right, he began to conceal his experiences from me which Page - 19 shows that he preferred his egoistic satisfaction in getting experiences to the Truth and that too is not sincerity.
I have the idea that since we can communicate everything to you by prayer, why need we write? But then it can also be said why not write? Do you think something is trying to hide under the cloak of this argument ?
It is always well to write what goes on in you but it need not be done every day. The essential is to keep nothing concealed. August 4, 1933 May I do an extra pranam for C and P ?
Yes, provided you do the two in one minute. Even with one minute for each we are threatened with a 7 hour sitting. There are 500 people. August 12, 1933 Chandu has sent two rupees on the occasion of his birthday 26th August. May I send you some flowers?
Yes.
With the money shall I buy fruits or sauce or pickles ?
No sauce or pickles at any rate. Fruit if you like.
I have asked X to come to my place whenever she likes, but she says it will go against your order.
There is no objection to her going the objection was to talking etc. in such a way as to disturb A
I want to learn some instrumental music: esrāj or tablā. For the first S is the only instructor, I don't know if she 'II be willing to teach and for the second A. Will you kindly suggest something ? Page - 20 For tabla A is sufficient. I don't think S will be willing to teach. so August 27, 1933 I am often troubled by sexual thoughts. How to get rid of them?
To think too much of sex even for suppressing it, makes it worse. You have to open more to positive experience. To spend all the time struggling with the lower vital is a very slow method. August 24, 1933 How to open oneself to positive experience? Please tell me.
By remaining quiet and aspiring for it knowing that it is waiting there above. Also think more of the Mother and less of your vital impulses. August 26, 1933
How narrowly I've lost my chance for pranam ! Will you give me some consolation by sending a flower for me?
Yes.
D is of the opinion that one has to do studious sadhana by constant writing and reading etc.
D's idea may be good for one who is a writer by nature and has to cultivate his gift your case is different and you have first to develop the inspiration, otherwise your writing will be only a mental exercise. August 26, 1933 I am sending a poem which visited me while I was lying in bed at 10.30 p.m. It took me two hours to complete it and many more, brooding over it. Has it any inspiration or is it a mental galley-slave labour?
It is not at all bad as a beginning there is at least an opening for inspiration there. Page - 21 It struck me suddenly that instead of seeking for dazzling experiences, I should aspire for more important things like light, force, calm, etc.
Yes, those are more important things to aspire for. The rest is not excluded but should be subordinate. August 27, 1933 Then again the same difficulty of transmission appears to hinder the proper finish. Will you. tell me where the defect lies little mastery over language, style, or insufficient inspiration ?
All writers have the difficulty it is the tamas of the physical mind which finds it difficult to transcribe the inspiration
Is if bad for our sadhana to think much about the rhymes, words and ideas of these poems? But I find this a wonderful escape from the prison of thoughts of the lower vital.
It is certainly better than being occupied with the lower vital. August 29, 1933 Mother, I had been expecting that after getting your touch, I would sit down to write poetry; but I failed to secure the thing I was seeking for in your touch. And then I began to think, with a depressed heart, what is precisely wrong in me. Do you like us to ask for your power and force for writing poetry etc. ?
The depression is quite out of place of course it carne because you had a rajasic expectation which got disappointed. In the Pranam the Mother puts her force for whatever she sees to be necessary in the sadhana. She would not do it specifically for giving you a poetic inspiration. For that you have only to keep yourself open and it will come of itself whenever it is due. But there should be no over-eagerness a harmonious listening quietude is the best medium for the rush of inspiration to come. August 30, 1933 Page - 22 September 1933
May I go and see Krishnalal's paintings now and then? Not now and then artists usually do not care to be disturbed. You have not seen them already? I don't think he is painting his pictures now.
I send you a poem, rather long I am afraid. I shall eagerly wait to hear what you think of it.
I will take another day to read your poem! What I have read of it is good. September 10, 1933 Last night I had a terrible dream. J was telling me: "Have you heard what D has come to ? He is totally insane and now lies down in the drains." I was 'suddenly seized with fear, and thought: who knows if the same lot may not befall me! In the grip of that terrible fear I began to call you, but my voice wouldn't come out. Then in two or three minutes it left me... Last few days, I have been rather depressed.
Is this due to some influence exerted unconsciously on the mind by D's condition ? It is not D's condition, but your "depression for the last few days" that opened the door to this nightmare. It simply seized hold of the idea about D in order to shove itself in farther and more forcibly.
Sometimes I doubt my call for spiritual life. Occasionally some peace comes down which perhaps comes from inactivity.
If you allow such absurd ideas to take hold of you and make you belittle an experience, it is no wonder you can't progress. What is wrong with the peace that comes from inactivity ? It is as good as any other.
So many thoughts have been invading me hence my gloomy, cheerless and pessimistic attitude, I think. At such Page - 23 a time many tempting thoughts lure me to set the wheel back but it is clear that I shall never step back. I must go on. It is a formation of a hostile character that is wandering about the Asram and taking hold of one after another telling them that they are not fit and won't be able to do the Yoga and had better die or better go away or at least better be desperate. The only sensible thing is to kick these suggestions out of you without any ceremony and tell them that you have come here to succeed and not to fail. September 14, 1933 Seeing J's aspiration I am tempted to ask him again to come for Darshan. Will you kindly give him blessings that he may come one day?
Don't press too much. Let him develop naturally if he has the true call.
Is it likely that you have forgotten about the poem? Of course I am not in a hurry, but only anxious to hear your opinion about it.
It has disappeared in a mass of papers and I am hunting for it now. September 16, 1933 I find sometimes that the rejection is not entire. The mind i tries to call in the thoughts and enjoy them. It is no doubt due to a weakness in the nature still trying to satisfy itself in thoughts.
It is usually that some part of the being has the taste still so it returns September 30, 1933 October 1933
, it's very true that there is still a "taste" in the being, But what to do about it? Page - 24 You can put pressure on that part of your mind to give up its predilection. October 1, 1933 I cannot deny that along with my urge for acquiring a fine style etc., there is hiding some desire for fame as a good writer which, however, one can reject, at least one can hope to.
Better not force the inspiration. You have some literary gift and can let it grow but no desire for fame, if you please. October 4, 1933 I send you a letter from P.
I don't find P's letter. Perhaps it has flown down to Nolini. October 16, 1933 Mother, P wants your blessings. Could you give a flower for him at pranam ?
Mother will try to remember otherwise she will send with Nolini. October 17, 1933 I send a poem for your kind perusal and opinion. There is hardly any originality in thought and expression. Will you kindly tell me how to acquire power and subtlety in writing, both of which I seem to lack awfully? And do you think the style and originality in technique come in automatically or one has to consciously strive for them ?
The opening and close of the poem are rather poor, but in between it is well written, as it seems to me, and there are some good lines. The original poetry comes in when you get back from the mind and outer vital to some inner source or at least channel of inspiration. Aspiration for that is better than to strive. October 26. 1933 Page - 25 Lately all vitality seems to have disappeared, leaving no interest in anything.
It is a tamasic reaction, I suppose. It is to be discouraged and got rid of October 27, 1933 November 1933
My birthday comes on the 17th of this month, shall I not come to you. Mother?
Yes. I don't know how it failed to be put on the record.
I try to leave myself in your hands entirely. Am I wrong in my attitude or am I to cry constantly into your ears ?
Not constantly, but from time to time.
I do some running exercise in the early morning. Is there any harm? No. November 7, 1933 Today I saw N with S at 6 a.m. It was at once clear that she has joined the hostile camp. I now hear that she is going away. Yet she herself had said recently that she will never leave you...
Perhaps you don't know that N came as a temporary resident and stayed on simply because she did not care to go, finding herself at ease here. She was never permanently accepted.
And it cannot be denied that following a sincere call she came from her place to this far-off land, in quest of Truth.
How do you know it was a sincere call ? She did not come to India to seek the Truth from a far land leaving her near and dear ones; she came in order to get away from her family life in which she was Page - 26 in furious conflict with most of her people. After she came to India she began wandering through various Ashrams but was not satisfied with some and the others sent her away or perhaps entreated her to leave them. All the same there was a being within her which had pushed her to this life, so she had her chance although the Mother never expected much of her nor were we at all certain about her staying or being able to go through. Her failure does not mean a definite frustration. The being that is in her will certainly have its way in this life or another but it must be admitted that for this life the chances don't look overbright.
Within a very short span of time we have seen some four or five departures among whom B had been here quite a number of years and he was not a weak adharΉ either. How is it that all of a sudden he opened the doors to undivine beings, when he was going so smoothly and confidently on one track?
B did not open all of a sudden. He had from the firsts a violent Asuric strain in his nature, as he himself knew and he was always trying to incarnate new Asuras in the plea of offering their mighty strength and power for the Divine Work. I don't believe that at any time in his life he went "smoothly and confidently on one track" it was from the beginning all leaps and shouts and catastrophes and upheavals. I thought I had destroyed the legend of his being, a perfect Bhakta² and strong Adhar.
Is the Divine so helpless against these forces or beings?
Do you expect the Divine to force a man into heaven against his own will?
You said the other day that we call in these forces by our habit, for the sake of drama, etc. It is true but isn't it quite natural too since we are hardly transformed in our nature and aspiration, as yet?
Ή Literally, a receptacle, that is an instrument capable of holding the spiritual Force. ² One who follows the path of love and adoration. Page - 27 To have weaknesses of the lower nature is one thing to call in the hostile forces is quite another. Whoever does the latter, takes his risk. He is going towards the opposite camp for the marks of the hostile Force are contempt of the Divine, revolt and hatred against the Mother, disbelief in the Yoga, assertion of ego against the Divine Being, preference of falsehood to Truth, seeking after false gods and rejection of the Eternal.
Am I then to suppose that N, B and others began to walk with hesitating steps, doubting at every step they had taken the Divine leading ?
Not with hesitating but with hostile steps away from the Truth. As for N, one can hardly say that she took steps hesitating or not most of her life was drifting in the current of her own impulses ...
If after a few years of sincere sadhana I make a wrong movement under the influence of hostile forces, why does not the Divine come in with his power and save me, considering that I have been true to him at least for some time ?
And what do you make of the free choice and the necessity of assent? Supposing the Divine does intervene and you say "Damn you I don't want you you are a nuisance and a lie. I want my own inspirations and the satisfaction of my ego," and supposing you kick the Divine in the face when he stoops to help you and even when he lifts you up and sends the Black Force away, you call it back each time and rush back to embrace it. What then? That is what those who are under that influence do D, N, others all did it.
I cannot believe that the Divine does not know our ultimate fate. Why then does the Divine accept me if he knows that I shall fail in the long run ?
What is the long run?
May I know when and under what circumstances fulfilled, you send in your saving hand, in case one is assailed by Page - 28 such forces? I am convinced that no undivine powers can stand against you unless for some inscrutable reasons you have not helped or do not help.
It is when they refuse to be saved. B was saved several thousand times. Finally he said he would go on his own way, that the Divine in him was the true Divine and we were only indulging our outer personalities and he threatened to starve himself to death if we kept him here. What do you expect us to do under these circumstances? Yoga is an endeavour, a tapasya it can cease to be so only when one surrenders sincerely to a higher Action and keeps the surrender and makes it complete. It is not a fantasia, devoid of all reason and coherence or a mere miracle. It has its laws and conditions and I do not see how you can demand of the Divine to do everything by a violent miracle.
I ask myself why I lose heart over cases which are apparently failures and not take courage from those who are going triumphantly.
I have never said that this Yoga was a safe one no Yoga is. Each has its dangers as has every great attempt in human life. But it can be carried through if one has a central sincerity and a fidelity to the Divine. These are the two necessary conditions.
What a shock I got today when I saw that one of our bean- plants died! It was growing so luxuriantly and overnight, this was the state. J says it may be due to white ants for which there is no remedy.
The only remedy is to find out the queen and kill it if it is in the garden.
This case very significantly reminds me of all the cases I have written about.
Why not take it as a lesson in equanimity? November 12, 1933 By saying that N was never permanently accepted by you. Page - 29 you invite me to ask you about myself which I have not done so far, partly through fear, partly feeling no necessity for it. My meaning was this only that the original understanding with ,N was that she was here to try if it suited her and she was free to go at any moment. And this was never altered. It suited her only in so far as she was at ease with no strong pressure to give up her peculiarities unless she freely chose to do so. The pressure we put on others, however silent, or modified, on yourself or J, we did not put on her we left her to her fancies. The reason was that if she was to take up the life in good earnest, it must be from herself, from the being within coming out. With a mind like hers the least pressure would be useless until that moment came, if it came. There is therefore no analogy between your case or J's and hers.
From all my outbursts of yesterday, I hope you have been able to see that I am pleading for the solicitude of the Divine, beforehand.
The solicitude is there.
...Because you know I have very often been played at by these suggestions and the forces have not exhausted their resources, though at present they are out of the way,
So are many in the Asram. The thing is neither to play with them nor to fear them. Suggestions are suggestions they come to all. It is the rejection that is important.
I have received a letter from my family usual pathetic letter. Will it not be wise to write saying that all their wailings are of no use?
Better say nothing it does no good and only increases the reaction from there. November 13, 1933 When you give us flowers, are we to aspire for the things they stand for, or do you give them with the flowers? Page - 30 There is no fixed rule sometimes it is the one, sometimes the other. But even when the thing is given, it is given a power it has to be realised by the sadhak in consciousness and for that aspiration is necessary November 17, 1933 The fountain of poetry has dried up. Not only so there is a feeling of disgust for poetry. Is it due to inertia?
Tamas the disgust is also tamasic. November 21, 1933 December 1933
If this disgust is due to tamas, will you tell me how to drive this tamas out?
Use your will.
Is then inspiration the source of all ideas?
At any rate in poetry it is. December 6, 1933 Last night as I was meditating in a half-sleepy state, I had a vision of a most gorgeous auroral display of colours in the eastern horizon, one colour being added to and superimposed on the other in a quick succession; the sort of display one sees before the sun rises, only infinitely grander. I don't remember whether your image flashed through before or after the vision. Has it any significance ?
The play of colours is the play of forces and on the east indicates something that is beginning or about to begin. December 27, 1933 Mother, your reproachful look in the morning put me out of all good cheer. Is it due to a lingering desire in me ? Page - 31 That is an imagination, as usual. There was no reproach. Of course Mother saw that you had been touched by the desire, but there was no feeling of reproach in her.
The Divine pushes me to such tests when he knows me so well and then I get a none-too-happy look from you!
The imagination of a none-too-happy look! I repeat there was no reproach.
Would you advise me not to go to X's aid in her illness?
I can't very well say that. I could only say so if there was somebody else who was willing to help her.
For some time past I have been feeling as if I were receding from the Divine, or is it that the Divine is receding from me?
The Divine does not recede. For yourself, you are probably not so much receding as getting into the part where there is the difficulty. I mean you have projected yourself from the mind into the vital. It would have been better if you had drawn back into the psychic but since you are there, you have only to force your way through it to the psychic gates.
I want to offer you the best cheese available here and a tin of biscuits. I hope you will accept ?
Certainly we accept. December 30, 1933 Page - 32 |
